Definitions of Leonard
by cursivenight
Summary: Chapter 8: Turnaround. Leonard's definitions of the happenings in his life. Angsty first few chapters. Leonard/Penny.  Completed, will write the sequel as time allows.
1. Rejection

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the dictionary nor the Big Bang Theory. I do however own _a_ dictionary (actually, several), and hope to own TBBT season DVD's soon.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Recjection**

The definition of rejection was as follows (as according to Leonard's MacBook):

_reject_

_verb |riˈjekt| [ trans. ]_

_dismiss as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one's taste._

Leonard had been dismissed as inadequate his whole life. His mother had told him as such his entire childhood by constantly comparing him to his apparently better siblings, and criticizing his every action. Then there had been the several disastrous, short-lived relationships he'd had. The women from those failed attempts at fitting in had definitely told him he was inadequate - as a lover, as a boyfriend, as a normal, functioning human being...

Most lately, he had been apparently deemed inadequate by Penny.

He cringed at her name, unable to control the reaction. A feeling that could only be described as pain tightened across his chest, forcing Leonard to take a deep breath. He didn't want to think of her - but then why was he looking up words to describe his predicament?

The tightening feeling in his chest didn't go away, and every time he thought her name (or even just of her, apparently) it flashed hot and fierce.

Leonard re-read the definition, and was grateful that he had at least never been labelled as inappropriate. At least unless you counted the fact that various women had told him it was 'inappropriate' to continue relations with him. Like Penny, claiming he was too smart for her - that it was inappropriate for a genius to date a 'dummy'.

Leonard disagreed - he never thought she was stupid. Sure, she didn't know a thing about physics or comics, but he didn't know a thing about cooking or the majority of pop culture. She may have had a past, filled with boys and parties and running away, but his past was empty of anything but memorization and academic achievement. She needed someone who would stay by her, and he needed someone who would appreciate everything he gave. He had thought they needed each other.

'To no one's taste'. Leonard really wasn't to anybody's taste. Hadn't Penny told him that he was the exact opposite of every guy she had ever dated? That had been the original reason she agreed to go out with him. She had said all the guys she dated didn't care about her, and just used her for sex. Leonard didn't understand how being nice got you nothing, and being a total jerk apparently got you girls like Penny.

Leonard read the example sentence, and figured they should really change it to, "Leonard gets rejected by every female he ever loves."

_Refuse to agree to (a request) : an application to hold a pop concert at the club was rejected._

Penny refused to agree that she loved him: an application of love was rejected.

_ Fail to show due affection or concern for (someone); rebuff : she didn't want him to feel he had been rejected after his sister was born._

Leonard thought this was the saddest definition of all. Didn't he deserve love, affection, whatever humans continued to chase (despite the complete heartbreak and idiocy of it all)? He never got it, whatever the case. Leonard didn't know what he did to mess everything up.

The example sentence made him laugh in a sardonic way. Didn't want him to feel rejected - too late for that Penny. He'd never been so hurt in his life.

_Medicine: show an immune response to (a transplanted organ or tissue) so that it fails to survive._

Leonard's mind caught on the words 'fails to survive'. Ignoring the medical connotations to this portion of the definition, he contemplated these three words.

Failing to survive.

He was failing to survive.

This black hole that seemed to have taken residence in his chest - showing itself by either pain or the gut-wrenching feeling of falling or being lost. The black hole acted as they do - he didn't feel happy, he just felt grimly amused by things and cynical of everything. He couldn't watch movies or television because there inevitably a love scene that made him so uncomfortable he had to shut it off, scoffing that love doesn't exist as he did so. It was the same with books, unless he wanted to read something purely academic, which is what he had been doing to combat the insomnia that plagued him.

He still ate, though fleetingly. He ate with Sheldon, eating whatever Sheldon ate. He never felt hungry, or cravings for things like he used to have.

He felt beaten down, and he was sure this inner black hole would eventually do as all black holes did - consume the entire matter before imploding upon itself.

_noun |ˈrēˌjekt|_

_a person or thing dismissed as failing to meet standards or satisfy tastes : some of the team's rejects have gone on to prove themselves in championships._

Next, the noun. A person dismissed as failing to meet the standards or satisfy tastes. That had been covered. Leonard also sincerely doubted he was going to go on and win some kind of championship - unless it was a Darwin Award for managing to epic-ly fail every single relationship he'd ever had.

The underdog didn't even usually come out on top anyways. The strongest survive, not the weakest, in evolution. A dying cell eventually dies - it does not come back to suddenly save the body from a super-virus... well actually, technically, one could, in essence. That's how vaccines kind of worked. That wasn't the point though. In real life, people who were losers usually stayed losers.

Another definition should be added under 'noun' - Leonard Hofstadter. There would be a 'see: failure', and it could include a picture with the caption: Physicist, boyfriend, and son. The ultimate example of rejection.

The picture would just give everyone else the heads up to expect nothing from him, since he inevitably couldn't do it anyways.

_DERIVATIVES_

_rejectee |riˌjekˈtē; ˌrē-| noun_

_rejection |riˈjek sh ən| noun_

_rejective |riˈjektiv| adjective ( rare)._

_rejector |-tər| noun_

Rejectee. That was Leonard. A rejectee suffering rejection from a rejector saying a rejective. Leonard was surprised he managed to use all the derivatives in a single sentence - that was probably a grammatical fail.

With a sigh, Leonard shut his laptop, and put his head in his hands.

* * *

AN: I wrote this really quickly (and barely edited it... sorry lol) - I was just feeling the need to write a bit of angst, and while I'm glad they made Leonard okay(ish) on the show, I think his thoughts would probably be pretty bleak. I also think that he really has been rejected by like every female ever, from mom to girlfriend... so... yeah. -shrug-

Thanks for reading, and hopefully reviewing!


	2. Continuation

**Disclaimer:** I just wish I owned Leonard. And a pet-Sheldon. And a had a best-friend-Penny. And a huggable-Raj. Howard... I'd keep him around for comedic entertainment, and would enjoy having sexual banter with him.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 2: Continuation**

Leonard stepped into his apartment and closed the door behind him with a soft 'thud'. He heaved a sigh and dropped his keys in their designated bowl. Sheldon was still at work, working on his new publication. Leonard would have to go pick him up in a few hours, but he had wanted some time and space all to himself.

He sat in his usual chair, debating if he was going to turn on the television or not. He decided against it, feeling that the quiet of his apartment was nice after a long day of lab music, chattering, and long explanations from Sheldon (mostly on the deficiencies of Leonard's experiments, and the absolute genius of his own publication - something Leonard felt he really didn't need right now).

_continuation |kənˌtinyəˈwā sh ən|_

_noun [usu. in sing. ]_

Leonard figured his current emotional state could be labelled as in a state of continuation, which surprised him slightly. He had expected his 'situation' to have two outcomes - to either get better (improbable), or to get worse (probable). It was slightly reassuring that he was not, in fact, feeling worse, but it was discouraging to not be feeling any better either.

He felt he should have been able to predict this. As an experimental physicist his experiments rarely had an outcome that could be quantified strictly as good or bad - the results were normally represented in numbers, the answers in degrees of proven or disproven, and sometimes nothing happened at all. Though that was considered a failed experiment (unless the point was to prove nothing happened when you stimulated a variable).

_The action of carrying something on over a period of time or the process of being carried on._

He was carrying something over time - unrequited love, desperation, and depression. He just couldn't let it go; couldn't get over that there was just something about him that couldn't be loved. He just couldn't make things work, no matter what he did, and it frustrated him to no end. Being wrong was one thing, but completely failing to make any progress or facilitate and results but one was ridiculous. The only answer Leonard could find was that maybe love was just not possible for him to experience (at least one that was requited). Every test he did ended up failed.

_The state of remaining in a particular position or condition._

Remaining in the same condition - Leonard knew he had to break out of this emotional state, but how? He wanted to at least understand why this was always seeming to happen to him. If the experiment fails you have to know why, so you know for next time, or to find out if there should even be a next time. He wanted to be able to change his behavioural patterns to change the result. Altering the variable, if you will. It was a sound experimental practice, so why shouldn't work for his life?

_A part that is attached to and an extension of something else._

A part of him was attached to Penny - belonged to her and her alone. Leonard had been hurt and rejected before - by his own mother, for goodness sakes, but it was Penny that had pushed Leonard over the edge. He had thought he truly loved her - that's why he had told her as much. She had pushed him away, but she could never change his feelings for her. He couldn't just order himself to be okay with this, to break that attachment he had formed.

Leonard sat for a very long time in the silence, thinking about Penny, his life, and even his work. He stayed like this until the buzzing of his cell phone indicated that Sheldon was ready to be picked up and go out for dinner.

AN: I'm having tons of fun writing this. I love the dictionary and thesaurus (yeah, I'm an uber-geek). Great episode of BBT this week - I can't wait for the next one! (I read the set reports and it's going to be AWESOMELY awesome!)


	3. Moment

**Disclaimer:** Oh, the things I would do to Leonard if I owned him, muhahahahaha.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 3: Moment**

Today had been the best and worst day since his break-up with Penny. It was the best because he had finally managed to get a good sleep, and because he had managed to talk to Penny without either of them running away within a few sentences. It was the worst because that one conversation had reminded him of everything he had messed up, and every thing he would and did miss.

_moment |ˈmōmənt|_

_noun_

_1. a very brief period of time_

Being a scientist, and a believer in the evolutionist theory, Leonard knew a human's life was but a moment in the geological or evolutionary time scale. It was actually shorter than 'brief' - the entire human existence was a mere blink of an eye, scientifically. In his life, Penny too had been but a moment; his favorite by far, and the longest companionship 'moment' he had managed to achieve.

Within his and Penny's relationship were moments, both good and bad that marked the relationship. Their first kiss, long before they dated. Exchanging Christmas gifts. Receiving the Snuggie. Giving the snowflake from the North Pole. The awkwardness after they had first had sex. Leonard knew he could not actually remember every moment spent with her, but it sure felt like he did.

_An exact point in time : she would always remember the moment they met._

The moment they met - Leonard did remember that time especially well. She was in the process of moving in, her door open. Sheldon was forecasting the horrors of a new neighbor (complaining), but Leonard barely heard him once he saw her. She was beautiful, and even though that first encounter was awkward and she should have totally labelled them as weird, nerdy, and filed them under 'Never Speak to Again', - she didn't for some reason.

_An appropriate time for doing something; an opportunity : I was waiting for the right moment._

Leonard had thought that was the right moment, to tell her how he felt. Actually, that was a lie. He didn't think about it at all, he just said it. Maybe if he would've slowed down and actually thought it through, followed the logical scientific process, he would've known it would scare her.

But when he was with her, he just didn't. He was so comfortable. Logic went out the window.

_A particular stage in something's development or in a course of events._

Leonard hoped this was just a stage of Penny and his relationship development. He really, really did, no matter how pathetic he felt for thinking that way, and no matter how improbable that outcome was. Their path to being a couple had been filled with rocks and bumps, and he hoped that this was just the biggest boulder of all - her fear of commitment and his pre-emptive declaration of emotions.

_2. Formal importance : the issues were of little moment to the electorate._

Today, when they had managed to actually have a conversation, they had talked about silly little things - ice breakers, small talk. They were afraid to say anything else, that was clear even to Leonard. She had told him about a table of obnoxious customers, and how she had wreaked her revenge on them without violating any restaurant code. He had asked if she saw the movie she had mentioned a few weeks ago. It was petty conversation, but every word to him was important.

_3. Physics a turning effect produced by a force acting at a distance on an object._

The magnitude of such an effect, expressed as the product of the force and the distance from its line of action to a given point.

This was a concept Leonard knew well - he had literally studied it. He wondered if Penny knew what effect the force of her words had on him. He wondered if she was wallowing in this pathetic state as much as he was. He doubted that - if she was, they would not be in this situation any longer. He was a little glad, though, that at least she wasn't as unhappy as he was.

_4. Statistics : a quantity that expresses the average or expected value of the first, second, third, or fourth power of the deviation of each component of a frequency distribution from some given value, typically mean or zero. The first moment is the mean, the second moment the variance, the third moment the skew, and the fourth moment the kurtosis._

Leonard didn't even bother trying to work out a metaphor for the fourth definition. He could probably think something about it being expected he would fail, but he just couldn't put in the effort. The low statistics of a guy like him getting a girl like Penny.

... Maybe he did think of metaphors. That's how pathetic he was, he couldn't even read something completely mathematical without drawing a connection to his lack of a relationship.

_PHRASES_

_Any moment (or at any moment) very soon._

_At the (or this) moment at the present time; now._

_For the moment for now._

Leonard wished with his entire being that he could bounce back from this, return to normal, get over it. If willing something to happen actually worked right now he would be back with Penny, make a breakthrough with his research, and winning the lottery.

He knew until he could start wishing for someone else he would be in this endless circle of ... whatever it was.

_Have one's (or its) moments have short periods that are better or more impressive than others : thanks to his gently comic performance, the film has its moments._

Leonard vaguely wondered if it would have just been better off without ever having dated Penny, but he knew he would still be hung up over her. He had been attracted to her physically the moment he saw her, and mentally (or emotionally or whatever) he had been attracted to her as soon as he got to know her. He was glad he at least got the chance with her, and he figured maybe that was a step in the right direction.

_In a moment. 1. Very soon : I'll be back in a moment. 2. Instantly : the fugitive was captured in a moment._

_Live for the moment, live or act without worrying about the future._

Leonard wished he could be the kind of guy who lived for the moment, and didn't ever worry about the future - believe it would all work out, or it was all meant to be. But that wasn't him. He was logical, a scientist, and he believed things only worked if you made the effort, and if the complex network of everyone else's action managed to coincide (or at least not interfere) with it. Things didn't just 'happen' - there was always an explanation, whether or not we humans could find it or not.

_The moment — as soon as — : the heavens opened the moment we left the house._

He remembered the moment Penny broke up with him. She was trying to be kind, he knew. She was never a mean or hateful person. If she was she would have never been even friends with Sheldon, let alone date Leonard. She was kind, and willing to give anyone a chance.

_Moment of truth a time when a person or thing is tested, a decision has to be made, or a crisis has to be faced._

Maybe this was Leonard's test. To see if he would fight for her? He knew Penny wasn't that kind of girl, and he knew he was grasping at straws, trying to find one reason that a girl like Penny would spend a second on a guy like him. Maybe this was his problem; he was so critical of himself it was a turn-off. Even if he never voiced it maybe is one of those things people could just tell.

_Not a moment too soon almost too late._

Leonard envisioned Penny knocking on his door, urgently calling his name. He would rush over to it, knowing it was her; both dreading and looking forward to the sight of her face. He would open the door hesitantly, and fix his smile. He would be shocked to see her upset face, and she would look him in the eye, and say something about not being able to live without him any longer, and would he please forgive her?

He would pretend to think about this, while he led her inside the apartment to sit down (in Sheldon's spot). He would pat her on the shoulder, and tell her he didn't know if he could do this again. He had been hurt, and now he was finally moving on.

She would cry harder, and he would feel terrible, and instantly want to say, "Yes! Yes. I've been waiting for this. Don't cry, it'll be okay."

But he wouldn't. He'd hold her as she cried, until she calmed down enough to say four words.

"Leonard, I love you." She would whisper, half to herself. He would then lift her chin with his fingers, and look into her eyes. He would say nothing, examining her, as if he could see her statement's truth value through her iris and pupil.

He would sigh, and drop his hand from her face. She would feel terrified and he... He would look down at the ground, then back at her.

"I'm trying to say 'no'. To deny you, just so you'd feel as hurt as I did. But I can't do it. I love you, Penny." He would say, and she would smile her gorgeous smile, and they would embrace.

_Not for a (or one) moment not at all; never._

Leonard snapped out of his daydream abruptly. If only things could work like that. But it would never happen. Penny wasn't the type to come crawling back. Well, not for a guy like him anyways.

_One moment (or just a moment) a request for someone to wait for a short period of time, esp. to allow the speaker to do or say something._

He wished he could just have one moment to show Penny what he was really feeling - and for him to see what she was really feeling, because he had no idea. Even if she didn't love him yet, did she not feel something for him? She must have - they dated for seven months. But she obviously didn't care enough. Perhaps that's why she broke up with him. She realized she was stringing him along, or didn't see a future or...

Leonard sighed and stopped himself. There wasn't anymore point to analyzing this over and over. Nothing was going to change. It was time to let it go. Today they had a moment of normalcy, though his heart had been pounding the entire time. It was a start. At least there was a possibility of maintaining a friendship.

* * *

**AN: **Here's another chapter, I hope you liked it. I wanted to show a bit of personal growth with Leonard, so hopefully that was achieved. Thanks for reading!


	4. Glance

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 4: Glance**

Leonard shut his apartment door quickly, leaned against it, and attempted to control his increased respiratory and heart rates. He locked the door, noticing as he did so that his hand shook. He watched it for a second, then slowly made his way to the couch. He felt slightly light-headed. Trying to prevent an anxiety attack, Leonard took deep breaths, and closed his eyes.

"Are you alright? Please don't tell me you're having another panic attack." Sheldon commented as he walked from his room to his spot. Upon sitting, the tall physicist turned to look at his roommate with a slight look of concern on his face.

Leonard forced himself to calm down. It was probably all in his head anyways. It hadn't meant anything. It was just a glance. A single look. He had probably been imagining the emotion.

"Yeah, Sheldon, I'm fine. I think." Leonard responded, putting his head in his hands, continuing to breathe deeply.

"I highly doubt that, but alright. You know -" Sheldon responded - but Leonard wasn't listening. He was too busy replaying what had just occurred in the hallway.

Leonard had just arrived at the foot of the stairs in the lobby of the apartment building as Penny had walked in the front door. He had smiled and waved at her, heading quickly to the mail boxes. He didn't even need to feign difficulty at being able to open his mailbox, he was so flustered.

"Hey, Leonard. What's up?" Penny asked, as she too apparently decided it was just the perfect time to check her mail. Leonard immediately felt this was an unfair judgement to make - most people stopped to get their mail when they passed their mailbox coming home. It wasn't just her. It had nothing to do with any urge to see him, or talk to him.

He had smiled at her quickly, and shrugged.

"You?"

She had shrugged too, imitating him, and grinned. Leonard had immediately felt weak, but his automatic smile was genuine. They had walked up the stairs together, exchanging comments about [Penny's] work, Sheldon's latest antics, and other such small talk. Leonard honestly couldn't remember what he said - but he remembered Penny's every word. She had complained a bit about work, and talked briefly about an audition (that she didn't get), called Sheldon a 'wackadoodle', and commented on the weather.

When they reached the fourth floor, she had stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Her hand caused a burning sensation that coursed through him and turned to ice when she took it away.

"Hey, Leonard?" She asked, looking at him straight in the eyes. It was the first time she'd done that since they broke up. He gulped.

"Y-yeah?" His reply was nervously forced out. He didn't know what she was going to say - she missed him, she hated him... he had no idea. He ran his fingers through his hair and over his scalp, then quickly adjusted his glasses.

"You okay?" Her voice was a little lower, a little quieter. She leaned towards him a little bit, and Leonard couldn't even look at her; he decided the floor would be the safest place to cast his gaze. It took him a few seconds to regain his presence of mind and speak.

"Y-yeah. Fine. Totally. Why?" He smiled half-heartedly and stepped back, trying to control the shaky, sick feeling he was experiencing at her proximity.

Penny looked at him again, seeming to examine him.

"Okay." She said quietly, and reached out and patted him on his arm. It made Leonard want to both leap forward at her and jump backwards away at the same time. "I'll see you around, sweetie."

She had turned and walked to her apartment. Leonard had grabbed onto his door knob for support and watched her leave. She put her key in and unlocked the door. As she opened it, she turned back and glanced at him for a split second before entering her apartment..

He had weakly turned around and hurried into apartment 4A.

_glance 1 |glans|_

_verb [ intrans. ]_

_1. Take a brief or hurried look._

It had been a brief look. She had been looking at him the entire time in the hallway (or so he guessed, since he hadn't been able to look her in the eye), but that last time had been... different. It had to be the emotion in her eyes. If he wasn't imagining it - this was all under the assumption he hadn't truly gone insane, after all. It was a possibility. He already lived with Sheldon and that was pure crazy.

_read quickly or cursorily; (glance at/through)_

It had been like Penny had been trying to 'read' him that entire encounter. Asking him if he was alright? Where did that come from? How was he not alright? He talked to her, played Halo, ate, worked, even slept sometimes. How was that not normal? I mean, of course he was not okay. But only Leonard was supposed to know that.

_2. Hit something at an angle and bounce off obliquely : he saw a stone glance off a crag and hit Tom on the head._

_• (esp. of light) reflect off something with a brief flash : sunlight glanced off the curved body of a dolphin._

_[ trans. ] (in ball games) deflect (the ball) slightly with a delicate contact : he glanced the ball into the right corner of the net._

Maybe something had bounced off Leonard's head. Of course Penny would care if he was alright. She had never meant to hurt him, and still obviously wanted to be his friend. That glance had clearly just been of friendly concern that she had been hiding before, to not make him think that everyone else was worried about him. He hoped no one else was worried about him. He didn't want to make up excuses.

_PHRASES_

_At a glance immediately upon looking : she saw at a glance what had happened._

Penny probably knew that he was still hopelessly in love with her. That he wasn't okay.

_At first glance when seen or considered for the first time, esp. briefly : good news, at first glance, for frequent travelers._

Leonard hoped maybe she had seen him in a new light. Maybe she did miss him. Maybe she could love him. Or maybe she had seen the truly pathetic individual he was.

God, he had to stop this. He had to. He was going to be as bad as Sheldon soon if he didn't just stop.

"In conclusion you should really cease with your hunching and guessing. I cannot believe you've allowed it to reach the point where you do not even know your own emotional status. I say emotional status because that is likely the problem with you, as you do not seem to be injured. I also heard that you were talking to Penny." Sheldon's voice interrupted Leonard's musings and self-pity.

"Yeah, Sheldon. I'm fine. I just gotta... go do some reading." Leonard shut his laptop and went to his bedroom, grabbing his favorite book before settling down in his bed. He left Sheldon in the living room muttering to himself about rudeness, and the complexities of having a non-robot roommate.

* * *

**AN:** Leonard will start to get better soon, don't worry. I do love an angst!Leonard though. He's very good at hit. Poor guy.


	5. Perseverance & Yearning

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Big Bang Theory. =(

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 5: Perseverance & Yearning**

More time slipped by with Leonard barely realizing it. Monday Thai night, Tuesday at the Cheesecake Factory, Wednesday Halo Night, Thursday Comic (or Anything Can Happen) Night, and then the weekend - movies, paintball, old video games, and sleep. He went through the motions - ate with the guys, attempted to be as normal as possible with Penny, and continued his work on his latest experiment.

His friends would say he was returning to himself (though they would comment that the whole 'no-whining-about-Penny' stance Leonard seemed to be taking was not normal at all). Penny would probably tentatively agree that they were friends again. She had hugged him at one point in the last few weeks - Leonard honestly couldn't remember why. As soon as she had touched him his mind had forgotten everything. He had felt in that moment that all his progress (if he even could claim he had any) had gone down the drain. It had been a little awkward when she let go of him; he was sure he had let some of what he was feeling show on his face.

_persevere |ˌpərsəˈvi(ə)r|_

_verb [ intrans. ]_

_continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success : his family persevered with his treatment._

_DERIVATIVES_

_perseverance |-ˈvi(ə)rəns| noun_

_perseveringly adverb_

Leonard was trying with all his might to stay focused on his work, be himself with the guys, and be friends with Penny. Sometimes he even thought he managed it. Hell, there had been a few times he even felt it was easy. For instance, Halo Night always reduced him to yelling and perspiration, no matter how stoic he started out feeling.

The hardest moments were when he was alone, and of course when he was with Penny - the worst was alone with Penny. Thankfully, this didn't happen often, but she was usually there at least a few nights a week. He made a point to exchange words with her, asking her how her day was, listening to any stories she told, treating her as normally as he knew how to. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, but more selfishly, he didn't want to lose her. He couldn't help himself from hanging onto her.

He kept soldiering through this bog of trying to mend his broken heart and please everyone. Every Penny encounter left him feeling a little lost and hopeless, and he knew he wasn't getting over her anytime soon, but he was trying. That counted, right?

_yearn |yərn|_

_verb [ intrans. ]_

_have an intense feeling of loss or lack and longing for something : [with infinitive ] they yearned to go home | [as n. ] ( yearning) he felt a yearning for the mountains._

_DERIVATIVES_

_yearner noun_

_yearningly adverb_

Leonard decided 'yearning' was the best word to describe those moments with Penny. An intense feeling of loss. Longing for something - for her.

But the difference now was that he was determined to get through this. He had already come a long way from the whole 'black hole' stage... but he still had a long way to go. He didn't know if he would ever get over her completely, but he had to try.

* * *

**AN:** I combined two words because I thought the one was a little short. It still is, but oh well. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!


	6. Forward

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Bang, the dictionary, or anything else you recognize.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 6: Forward**

_forward |ˈfôrwərd|_

_adverb (also forwards)_

_1. Toward the front; in the direction that one is facing or traveling : he started up the engine and the car moved forward._

Leonard was in his car, on his way to pick up Chinese food for himself and his friends who were waiting back at his and Sheldon's apartment. Traffic was bad (probably an accident, Leonard supposed), so he was taking longer than usual. His impatient and hungry friends had clearly noticed, judging from the amount of texts they were sending him. He held up his phone and smiled as he received each one of their messages. He set his phone down when the light changed, and he slowly crawled behind the car in front of him.

_In the normal order or sequence._

The night felt normal to Leonard, and he was glad of it. Everyone was firmly settled into their routine. Well, Sheldon never varied from it, unless one of them forced him to or there were extenuating circumstances.

Leonard and Penny were truly back to being friends - even good friends. She hung out with him and the guys (and occasionally Amy or Bernadette as well) quite a few nights of the week, and talked to Leonard almost entirely like it had been before they had dated. They still had a few fumbles, but it was lightyears from where they had been; awkward, scared, hurt, whatever they (especially him, it seemed) were.

It was good to have her back, even as a friend. Normal. Safe. Comfortable.

_2. Onward so as to make progress; toward a successful conclusion : there's no way forward for the relationship._

The progress in Penny and his romantic relationship had been filled with stops and starts, and then crashed forward. It had steadied out after they were officially, truly dating, and then came to an abrupt halt when Leonard had tried to accelerate it further.

Their renewed friendship was much the same way. After their breakup it had been full of stops and starts. But now, it was finally different. They had slowly reached point of friendship, and slowly made their way into being good friends again. Leonard didn't know if they had reached their conclusion. He honestly hoped not. He still had feelings for Penny, but he wasn't about to let them get in the way of having her in his life. Friends was infinitely better than nothing.

_Into a position of prominence or notice : he is pushing forward a political ally._

He felt he could truly say they were best friends once again. The one she called first when she had news, good or bad. She had cried on his shoulder once since their breakup because of another failed audition - on top of everything else she was stressed about. She had never left his notice, not from the moment she arrived.

_Toward the future; ahead in time : from that day forward, the assembly was at odds with us_.

The future. Leonard wanted one with Penny. A true future. He had loved her - and he still did. He couldn't lie to himself. He was still in love with her. But being her friend was a good second place finish. He wasn't sure how he would deal when Penny inevitably got into another relationship. He was torn because he wanted her to be happy; but selfishly, he wanted her to go back to dating the jerks so that she would dump them quickly and move on.

He just wanted a future for them. Romance or not.

_To an earlier time : the special issue has been moved forward to winter._

Actually, Leonard was slightly surprised at his recovery. Mathematically, he would describe it as y being some kind of function of x. A horizontal, half parabola, with a slow start, but then exponentially getting higher on the scale of 'okay-ness'. He thought it would take years and years to be able to be in the same room as her, let alone be her friend. Of course, Leonard had been thinking this during one of his more pessimistic stages of mind, but still.

_adjective_

_Directed or facing toward the front or the direction that one is facing or traveling._

Leonard sat in his car, smiling slightly to himself. He made the turnoff to the side street the Chinese restaurant was on, and parked his car quickly. He stopped outside the door, suddenly hit with amount of memories the place had for him. Even if you didn't count the actual place, but simply just the food... They had been eating it once a week or once every other week at the least since Leonard had lived with Sheldon. They'd been basically ordering the same things since then as well. Facing the door, he was reminded of all those moments - admittedly, Leonard could not remember every time, but he did remember the difficulty of coming here with only three people. Sheldon had kicked up such a fuss.

Leonard snorted slightly, and walked forward, shaking his head at his roommate.

_Figurative moving or tending onwards to a successful conclusion : the decision is a forward step._

Once Leonard had the Chinese food safely stored in the passenger seat of his car, Leonard started back to his apartment. Traffic wasn't as bad this way, and he arrived home much faster. He opened the front door of the building, balancing the food carefully. Luckily he hadn't had to stop for Sheldon's mustard or soy sauce or whatever else he decided he needed in order to eat.

After climbing the stairs, Leonard paused in front of the door. He could hear his friends - Howard, Sheldon, Penny... and it sounded like Bernadette and Amy had arrived as well. He knew Raj was in there also, but of course Leonard wouldn't be able to hear him...

Listening to his friends talk and laugh gave Leonard a warm feeling. He felt like everything was going to be okay.

_Electronics (of a voltage applied to a semiconductor junction) in the direction that allows significant current to flow._

Howard was explaining some kind of machine or piece of technology he was working on to an interested Amy and Bernadette. Penny looked utterly bored, but brightened when she saw Leonard. It made his heart leap a bit, and he had to firmly reprimand himself.

Raj stood up and helped Leonard unpack the food, with Penny hovering behind them. Sheldon was insulting Howard's work, much to Howard's annoyance.

"Food's ready." Leonard called, hoping to break up the verbal sparring between Sheldon and Howard. He succeeded, and everyone began helping themselves to the food.

_[ attrib. ] relating to or concerned with the future : forward planning._

"Paintball on Saturday?" Howard asked digging in to his food in the kitchen. Everyone nodded or verbally agreed, depending if they had started stuffing their faces or not.

_(of a person) bold or familiar in manner, esp. in a presumptuous way._

Leonard dragged two chairs over from the dining table. Bernadette and Howard took them, the former saying a polite thank you, the latter waving a fork in recognition of the courtesy. He went to grab Penny a chair but she shook him off - she had claimed one of the arms of the chair, which Leonard settled himself into after a moments hesitation.

He was painfully aware of her proximity, but fortunately the antics of his friends distracted him.

Amy basically felt Howard up, after one of Howard's lewd offers or comments or whatever you wanted to call them. It left Howard speechless, Sheldon debating if he should be offended or not (he really wasn't, but social rules indicated he should be), Bernadette lecturing Amy (and glaring at Howard) about how Howard was simply joking and to never, ever take him up on his 'offers'.

4. Developing or acting earlier than expected or required; advanced or precocious : an alarmingly forward yet painfully vulnerable child.

(of a plant or crop) well advanced or early.

progressing toward or approaching maturity or completion.

After that social mishap, they turned on a movie. The girls had chosen the feature presentation this week - it was a chick flick called Leap Year. Leonard liked it, surprisingly enough. Maybe because he sympathized with the lead male role, kind of.

Once the movie was completed, it led Sheldon into a tale of his childhood. Something about the film reminding him of his peers always trying to chase him - intellectually they could never succeed, but they did manage to catch him physically. Leonard stopped listening (and probably missed the correlation because of this decision) because Penny had suddenly leaned over and placed her head on Leonard's shoulder. She squirmed a bit, adjusting her position and then sighed.

Leonard froze, unsure of what to do. He tried to relax himself, but was utterly unprepared for this action from Penny. Yeah, they were friends again, and they had even hung out a few times but...

_noun_

_1. An attacking player in basketball, hockey, or other sports._

_Football an offensive or defensive lineman._

_2. ( forwards) Finance short for forward contract ._

_verb [ trans. ]_

_1. send (a letter) on to a further destination : [as adj. ] ( forwarding) a forwarding address._

_• hand over or send (an official document) : their final report was forwarded to the Commanding Officer._

_dispatch (goods) : [as adj. ] ( forwarding) a freight forwarding company._

When Leonard came back to reality, Howard, Amy and Sheldon were debating over Sheldon's status as an alien and/or robot. Howard suggested Sheldon's little notebook was what he would present to his alien or robotic master. Bernadette was chatting to Penny about sports, and Raj was looking a little sad. Leonard tossed him a smile, and Raj returned it, shrugging slightly. Poor guy.

_2. Help to advance (something); promote : the scientists are forwarding the development of biotechnology._

"Perhaps the aliens sent me to aid the human race in moving forward. The superior alien race may have seen that humans would fear outside intervention, or were not advanced enough to be able to deal with the presence of these extra-terrestrial beings. I am the answer." Sheldon commented, getting lost in his daydream.

"Move forward in what? Physics? How is that going to help us be ready to meet the aliens?" Howard scoffed in return.

"Well, technically we could gain the knowledge to develop such technology to allow us to reach them. Or support their life and ours on other planets. Or figure out how their ships and such worked." Leonard interjected. Sheldon threw him a grateful, if surprised, look.

"Sheldon is not an alien. Nor a robot, though he does lack some typical humanistic qualities." Amy commented, examining Sheldon.

"She's a freaking robot too." Howard said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes at Leonard.

"They're perfect together." Leonard agreed, smiling. With Penny's head on his shoulder, and now one of her arms on his shoulder, and his friends all around him, life couldn't get much better.

* * *

**AN:** Whew, this is like four pages on my word processing software... hope you guys like it. Thanks for reading! 3


	7. Shock

**Disclaimer:** I will only ever own as much cats as Sheldon had that one episode. Other than that, nothing.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 7: Shock**

Sheldon did his quirky knock on Penny's apartment door, while Leonard unlocked their own apartment to deposit their work bags, before joining Sheldon back at the door of 4B. In Sheldon's non-knocking hand, he held a new video game, and the roommates were both very eager to share the joy of opening it with their neighbour. Well, Sheldon was just excited to open it, really, regardless if Penny was there or not.

However, Penny _had_ to be there for Sheldon to open his prized new game. They had promised Penny, after the last 'New Video Game Party' that she would be invited, no matter what - even if that meant waiting for her if she couldn't be there the second the game came out.

"She's not answering." Sheldon commented as he started his third round of three groups of three consecutive knocks. He tried speaking Penny's name louder.

"Maybe she's not home... I know we mentioned this to her, but she could have had to work late or something." Leonard said, feeling a little disappointed.

"No, we scheduled the pick-up to coincide with her schedule. She should be home. And she would have texted." Sheldon insisted, continuing his knocking patterns, even louder. He was all but shouting, and Leonard took a step back and gave him a dirty look.

"I am not leaving! I want to play that game!" Sheldon hissed, just as the door was thrown open.

_shock 1 | sh äk|_

_noun_

_A sudden upsetting or surprising event or experience : it was a shock to face such hostile attitudes when I arrived._

"What the hell do you want?" A tall, muscular man demanded. He was shirtless, and he reminded Leonard of Kurt, except with more hair on his head. The two roommates in the hall took an involuntary step back as the stranger glowered at them.

"Umm... Is Penny there? We... picked up a new game! We had promised to invite her so we thought we would stop by and..." Leonard trailed off, realizing he was babbling. He was also receiving a very weird look from the man in the doorway.

"Hey, who's there?" Penny's voice sounded from behind the man. She walked up behind him, hair a mess, and barely dressed. She stopped short at the sight of Leonard and Sheldon.

Leonard felt his heart drop. So it had finally happened. Penny had gotten a... boy-toy, boyfriend, who knew? Leonard felt sick. He turned around.

"Sorry to have disturbed you. We'll be going. Sheldon?"

"No, wait Leonard. You entered a verbal social contract with Penny. We cannot violate it." Sheldon held up a hand to indicate Leonard should stop. He then went on, sounding like someone trying to convince a dog to come.

"Penny, we have a new game! Come play! It'll be fun, and there's Chinese food!"

"So these are the loser neighbours you told me about? Come on, let's get back to what we were doing and leave these geeks to do whatever." The man laughed, looking down at the two physicists. He shook his head as if in disbelief. Turning to Penny, who had opened her mouth, about to speak, he put his arm around her and gave her a kiss, effectively shutting her up. He pulled her back into the apartment, despite Penny's uncomfortable look. She shot Leonard a quick, apologetic look as the door slammed in Sheldon's and his faces.

"Social contract negated, apparently." Leonard said, and with a nod from Sheldon, the pair crossed the hall to their own apartment.

_A feeling of disturbed surprise resulting from such an event._

Leonard was a little upset. Who the hell was this guy to be so rude? And how could Penny have told him that they were losers? He had thought they were friends.

Leonard exhaled sharply. When he actually thought about it, he sincerely doubted Penny really called them losers. She wasn't like that. Or at least he didn't think she was. The guy had probably drawn that conclusion on his own. It wasn't like it was hard.

The feeling of disillusionment that washed over him unsettled him. He couldn't lie to himself that one of the biggest things he was upset about was simply the presence of another guy - though it was made infinitely worse by the fact that guy was an asshole. He was suddenly annoyed at Penny. She had no right to treat them like that, even if she didn't insult their social abilities - no matter how true the evaluations are, if you're a friend you're not supposed to point them out. And she had known they were planning their 'New Game Night' tonight. Now she and her new 'boyfriend' had ruined Leonard's night. They had even ruined Sheldon's; he was clearly affronted at the social contract violation, and at the fact he was verbally insulted.

Taking a deep breath, Leonard tried to calm himself. It wouldn't do any good to get any madder about this, he figured. He just needed to let it go. If he knew Penny, the guy wouldn't be around long. She was their friend; she would get mad and dump the jerk. She had started trying to defend them.

Leonard, feeling kind of sick from his rapid mood swings, sat down in his usual chair and silently watched, sorting out his thoughts, while Sheldon unpacked the game alone (though Leonard wryly noted that his excitement was enough for two of them).

Howard and Raj arrived shortly after, and the story was relayed to them.

_A disturbance causing instability in an economy._

"You obviously interrupted them having coitus." Howard said matter-of-factly, helping himself to more chicken fried rice.

"What does this mean for our friendship? She told her boyfriend we were losers, and more importantly, she violated an agreement! This game came out at midnight last night, and we did not pick up it up until this afternoon!" Sheldon complained as he executed several complicated maneuvers in the said game.

"Did you do something to make her mad Leonard? Is this guy an ex? Did you drive her into the arms of another guy?" Raj asked, settling himself next to Howard on the couch. He grabbed a plate and started helping himself.

"Ha. I didn't recognize him. But why is it always my fault? Couldn't Sheldon have done something wrong?" Leonard protested.

Raj and Howard simply stared at him. Sheldon was still immersed in his game.

Leonard sighed, and went on, "Look, I really didn't do anything. I haven't even seen Penny in three days because of work and stuff. But we were totally fine before then."

A loud sound from the game distracted them all, and they turned to watch.

_An acute medical condition associated with a fall in blood pressure, caused by such events as loss of blood, severe burns, bacterial infection, allergic reaction, or sudden emotional stress, and marked by cold, pallid skin, irregular breathing, rapid pulse, and dilated pupils._

_Short for electric shock._

"He should have really died from that fall." Sheldon commented as his character swan dived off an Italian tower and landed in a hay wagon.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure a wagon of hay wouldn't have really lessened the effects of jumping from a high altitude to an area of low altitude."

"Even if for whatever reason he didn't just shatter his skull and die instantly, he would at least severely break many bones in his body."

"Then die from blood loss or shock."

"Well, the present-time guy should have died jumping into the freezing water then."

"Not to mention there would be extreme concussions to the body with all the other jumping and slamming into stone walls... fighting injuries."

"He's a super hero. Therefore, that explains all."

"Agreed."

"Wait, how did he become a super hero, anyways?"

"There's probably some storyline. But how about radioactive bug?"

"Alien technology."

"An intense electric shock when he touched a chemical?"

_2. A violent shaking movement caused by an impact, explosion, or tremor._

The apartment suddenly shook slightly, interrupting the guys' conversation. There was a large bang, like the slamming of the door. The thump of footsteps echoed in the hallway.

The four men stopped, looked at each other, and then at the door.

"That sounded like it was from Penny's apartment." Sheldon said, as he turned back to his game. The rest continued to stare at the door

"Maybe I should go check on her..." Howard suggested and stood up.

"No, Howard." Leonard sighed, and stood up as well. It was his obligation as her closest friend here to see if she was okay. Plus it was his duty as a friend to both Penny and Howard to protect them from each other. Bruises and sexual advances were probably not what either of them wanted. "I guess I'll go."

"Rebound sex!" Raj advised him, grinning. Leonard shook his head and rolled his eyes in response as he left the apartment.

He stopped in the hallway, and took a deep breath before crossing to 4B and knocking on the door. His residual anger from the earlier encounter has dissipated, mostly because he figured whatever had just happened between Penny and her ... 'beau'... was a result of the incident an hour before.

"Penny?" Leonard called, when she didn't answer. He suddenly wished he had x-ray vision so he could see through the door and check if she was alright. Then he thought about that, and while sometimes it would be an awesome power, other times, it really wouldn't be. Like whenever a guy was around.

_verb_

_[ trans. ] (often be shocked) cause (someone) to feel surprised and upset._

The door finally opened, after a few more knocks and a few threats, and Leonard was a little surprised at how upset she looked. He entered Penny's apartment when she held the door open for him, and followed her to her couch. There was a bottle of wine, just opened, on the coffee table.

They sat down, and she lent against her pillow, sniffling slightly. He looked at her, and they sat in silence for a minute.

"You wanna talk about it?" Leonard asked softly, reaching out to touch her cheek, then her shoulder. She smiled at him in response, and scootched over so that she was sitting next to him. He put his arm around her unconsciously, and she leaned into him.

"I'm sorry." Penny said, very softly. "I dumped him."

Leonard argued with himself over what to say; what was appropriate; what would make her feel better.

"Well... I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. But it's not like we don't get insulted by the regular population from time to time. By social definition we are losers." He offered, smiling at her. to let her know it was okay.

_Offend the moral feelings of; outrage : the revelations shocked the nation._

"No, you're not. Sheldon might be crazy, and Howard might be disgusting, and Raj might not be able to talk to women, and you all might be a little awkward, but you are good people. You've never treated me badly." Penny argued, sitting up straighter and turning herself to face Leonard directly.

Leonard didn't have time to organize his response before Penny continued speaking.

"I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you right away. He's an asshole. When I told him to get out, he ignored me and kept kissing me. I finally hit him with a book and he started yelling at me, before I forced him out. What a jerk." She finished up looking a little tearful again, and leaned back into Leonard's open arms.

Leonard, however, suddenly felt hot all over, and not in the good, sexual way, but in the infuriated, hostile way. Who was this guy to make Penny cry? He hugged her tightly for a second, feeling like he should go find that guy and... The disappointing thing was he knew he couldn't actually do anything that would make Penny feel better. He couldn't go beat the guy up - at most do more complex math equations, or beat the guy in Halo. And Leonard sincerely doubted the guy would consent to a 'math-off' in a battle of honour. No, he definitely wouldn't.

"I'm sorry I can't go beat him up for you." Leonard said, making Penny burst into laughter. She assured him it was okay, and that getting a hug from her best friend was better anyways.

_Affect with physiological shock, or with an electric shock._

After a while longer of silence, in which Leonard continued to hold Penny, the younger blonde finally looked up, her eyes dry, and kissed Leonard on the cheek. He felt a shock go through him, but his neurons automatically sent a smile at her without showing this surprise, thankfully. She reached forward to grab the clicker and turned on the TV.

"Thanks for being my friend Leonard," Penny said quietly, "I appreciate it."

"No problem." Leonard managed. His head was still reeling, but he felt immensely happy. She used to kiss him on the cheek all the time before they dated. This was the first time she had done so since they had broken up.

He smiled, and settled in to watch some chick flick he probably wouldn't really enjoy, but he knew he would end up being very happy this evening.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry this took so long. Had papers due, and final exams are coming up. Plus this week has been hell - my cat died, I got stuck in a snow drift and now my truck is in the shop because something screwed up, my friend is deciding to be a drama queen (literally, she's randomly getting mad about nothing that apparently happened two weeks ago...). So my updates may be a touch slower. But we'll be done this one soon-ish. It depends on how fast things work out I guess! Thanks for reading, and I hope you guys have a great weekend!


	8. Turnaround

**Disclaimer:** I would like to meet the cast/writers. If I owned it, I would have already done so. I have not, ergo I do not own The Big Bang Theory.

**Definitions of Leonard**

**Chapter 8: Turnaround**

_turnaround |ˈtərnəˌround|_

_noun_

_An abrupt or unexpected change, esp. one that results in a more favorable situation : it was a remarkable turnaround in his fortunes._

Ever since that night spent comforting Penny (they had watched chick flicks and eaten comfort food until dawn), it was like they had completely regained everything they had lost before their breakup. Yeah, they had regained their friendship, slowly but surely, but now it was solidified. There was no more hints of awkwardness, or fear of upsetting the other. This was honestly surprising to him; he had always thought there would be a barrier between them, a little awkwardness, that would impede on their ability to be truly as close as they once were.

Leonard's working hypothesis was that the night spent together, enjoying each others company, him comforting her, and with nothing sexual happening, was the last step that was needed to confirm to both of them that they could truly be friends again - nothing less, and with nothing more hanging over them.

Of course Leonard still felt something for Penny. He supposed he always would, at least somewhat. But he was willing to let it go, as long as she was in his life. His friend.

_2. The process of completing or the time needed to complete a task, esp. one involving receiving something, processing it, and sending it out again : a seven-day turnaround._

Leonard reflected back on the last year or so. It had been a struggle - going from being with Penny to being completely without, and then slowly getting their friendship back. He did not forget how lost he had felt immediate break up. That inner black hole, the feeling of listlessness and desperately trying to find something worth living for, or even just a distraction.

Somehow, he had healed.

He felt like a package. He had been sent away (literally) from Penny, and it had taken time to sink in, to process, to recover from, before he had felt ready to go back. But now he was back. Home. Himself again. Maybe a little older, hopefully a little wiser. It had taken time, but that was okay. His work had taken a step forward in that time, and now he felt his and Penny's platonic relationship was stronger then it had ever been.

* * *

**AN:** Sorry for the short chapter, but I really wanted to establish how Leonard felt without moving forward and adding new emotions or situations. I'm considering that this should be the final chapter. If it is, I can then write a companion/sequel from Penny's point of view that will continue it on from this point. Or I can simply continue here. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks for reading, and I hope you guys enjoyed!


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